“Got a call from one of those cemetery company’s selling plots. You do anything about buying a grave yet?”an old man at the nursing home asks his pal.
“Nah I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Well, there isn’t any way of knowing how much time you got. He gets up, takes his cane and hobbles away.
A figure in white: white face, white hair, white clothes floats in. He’s got a halo over his head and wings. He starts to harangue. the man sitting on a chaise. “You’ve been a blaspheming, fornicating, masturbating greedy sinner all your life, but it isn’t too late to mend the error of your ways. You need to start right now. Can’t wait a second. I’ve been in heaven all my life except to round up recruits, so I know you’ll be living in Paradise. No more worrying about income taxes, country club assessments. Everything is done for you.”
“Sounds mighty tempting but there’s gotta be a catch,” the old man says. In all my life I’ve never had a free lunch. Oh, and what’s to do with all that extra time? You got topless bars, X-rated movies? Massage parlors? Where’s the nearest gambling casino?”
“You won’t need any of that. You’ll spend your nights thinking good thoughts and all day doing good deeds. But you better make up your mind quicklike.”
“Sounds pretty good. What do I hafta’ do?”
“It won’t be easy. You gotta give up red meat, chocolate lattes, cheating at Gin Rummy and sneaking looks at young woman. Think you can manage that?”
“Well---I need time. I’m not decided.”
White-clothed figure floats away.
A figure all in green with horns sticking out of his head, enters. He looks at man and grins.
“Hi, Buddy. I been keeping an eye on you and I got a place saved for you at my table.”
“Where’s that?”
“You know. Down below,” the green man says..
“You mean in hell?”
Green man smiles. “Righto. It’s a lot better than folks’ been led to believe. Bad publicity did it.”
“What’ve you got in hell that I don’t have right here?”
Green Man sits himself down on the vacant chair, stretches his legs. “Hey, it’s no skin off my nose whether you come or not. I’m not a real-estate agent. Think of me as a guy from a travel agency.”
“Ok. OK. Don’t get mad. Just tell me what I can get in hell that I can’t get here?”
“You can have all the women you want, all day long, and you can eat any kind of high cholesterol, high sugar, high salt foods while you’re doing it.”
“Sounds great. So why would anybody pick the other place?”
“ I gotta warn you. Once all these things are so easy to come by, they aren’t so damn enjoyable. Now that you know the facts the rest is up to you,” Green man says.
“So, it seems there isn’t much difference between the two places. In heaven I don’t get to do the things that give me pleasure. In hell, I get to do so much of it, what used to be pleasure becomes a chore. So, maybe I should stay right here in South Florida for as long as I can.”
“OK. It’s your decision Deal or no deal.”
“No deal. And by the way don’t slam the door on your way out.”
